Healing my connection to Nature - Finding Sacred Space in my Village - Grandmother Willow
When I was growing up in my Village, there were very few areas to play in, around here its all houses and flat farmers fields. there is a place we used to call the back tracks, behind the playing fields (which were always too open for us) where we would go and build dens, or just cycle around. We found a car that had been left there once and proceeded to smash up every little bit of it we could, I think I was the ring leader! I was a very hurt and destructive child by the age of 12-13, everything went a bit tits up after I turned 10. I had loved to dress up and sing but by this time that part of me was mostly too afraid to come out, too aware it wasn't safe, and the playfulness fuelled by, and creating joy become destructiveness, releasing the anger I felt at all the traumatic things that had happened to me, and my misery at being overweight.
A lot of what we did involved destroying things, littering, bullying people... Most places in my Village I have some memory of something I have had to forgive myself for doing! There was a thrill, an adrenaline rush in the fear, would we get caught?... Some of it was quite harmless really... I no longer blame myself or anybody else for what happened, I always lived right on the edge, outside the actual village boundary, and no wonder I still feel anxious going into it
I now like to call the back tracks the Faerie walk, as its a really small sliver of Land that actually has some diversity and Wildness to it, in an area that is really quite barren, I got an amazing faerie card once there, it must be protected by Faeries. I walked there last night to collect herbs to make medicine, and I felt great joy at the way my relationship to this place is changing. I've found recently people just start talking to me a lot more often, I'm quite open now compared to how I used to be, and this woman from Thailand who knows all the native plants in her homeland, but none here, was fascinated by what I was doing. I often fear straight men or think I have nothing to connect with them about, but I got into quite a deep conversation with her husband too. It got me thinking how in my Radical Faerie tribe there is a lot of talk about "magical faeries" and "non-magical faeries" and people being "muggle's" in the "outside world" which I realise I have embraced through fear and although it seems quite benign and harmless, it is labelling and division. having had a wonderful loving connection at a gathering recently with someone who I think is actually "straight" really seems to have helped shift and heal something in me... I never actually came out to my straight friends, I didn't give them a chance to reject or accept me....
Reflecting on this, walking down the Faerie track, collecting herbs, enjoying the abundance of spring and the excitement of finding medicine, I thought Wow, I really couldn't have imagined I would end up training as a Herbalist/naturopath, making magic wands and charms, having a spiritual/shamanic/pagan path.... and then it hit me.... I've always loved making food, I wanted to be a nutritionist years ago... I always loved to be outside in nature and would try to eat different leaves ands things... I've always been really creative and wanted nothing more than to be an artist... my friend and I even used to do Seances when I was 8 or 9...
I was like "you know, you're alright actually James, you may of gone off the rails a bit, but it wasn't your fault, or anyone else's, and you have still been building on the core things you love do your entire life"
I always see this division between the last 4-5 years of my life and before.. like I was this bad person who didn't do anything good, the only real division here is I ended a substance abuse problem, and this story is really just part of the lingering shame and pain that fuelled it
I felt so good.. I reached the end of the Faerie track and I thought yes carry on, go to the river, go to Grandmother Willow. The really special thing about most of the way by the river leading to Grandmother Willow, and the small swampy riverside woodland patch she is in, is that I never came to this area to play as a Child, I only came here to play as an adult, healing my inner child. It is the most wildest part of this village, and I forget this but it's actually the most peaceful, wonderful, magical spot in nature I know, and its within walking distance, the fact that I never went there before astounds me, but I get tingly when I just know it was being saved for me to heal there, and I only ever finally went there last year when I intuitively knew there had to be somewhere in this village, even a tiny spot, which was truly wild and sacred
The Grandmother Willow (I didn't realise it was grandmother willow until a wonderful friend played me a clip of grandmother willow in Pocahontas) has grown in such a way, with lots of Ivy covering it that it has created an amazing enclosed cave space, which I enhanced by moving around some piles of Ivy that had been cut down to make it even more enclosed, and there is an old dead part of the tree to sit and relax on. It is mostly dried out and I love to burn a piece as incense when I go there, it smells so beautiful. I was really connected with all the plants from collecting herbs, and I had made myself something to smoke with the intention of connecting with the herbs even more.
I laid down by the Trunk of Grandmother willow and meditated a bit, I always stretch when I use these medicines too, releasing so much around my hip area, it felt so good, there was so much tension to release in my buttocks, and I got up and did some squats, and standing squats whilst I held onto a huge Ivy root. I thought oh this is cheating i'm not putting all the weight through my legs.. then I thought no, I have to strengthen my arms too, this is great... I'm slowly inventing my own way of stretching/exercising, and we used to climb things to do this... then it hit me, It was time to climb up into Grandmother Willow! how exciting! I found a log to help me get up, and as I felt the bark, I remembered it is a pain killer, and I can experience a lot of pain... I felt like she was saying, here, take some of my bark, its extra special, you can get more as you climb... so I did...
The Willow is ruled by the Moon, and water... this was also by a river but thankfully the Moon was in Fiery Leo, like me I'm a Cancerian water sign, ruled by the Moon, but the Moon itself was in Leo when I was born.. I was confused when I got up into the tree because I couldn't see any Willow leaves... I thought hang on, is this even a Willow tree... then I realised I the ivy growth was so prolific that I was under an enclosed canopy of it that I could push through... well wow, an experience I have never had before sent shivers down my spine, I was like a forest creature up in the forest canopy.. I was a forest creature up in a forest canopy, albeit a small one... with the blue dusky sky and the radiant, growing, glowing crescent moon shining down upon me, stunned by the beauty and feeling so blessed and at peace, I found a nice comfortable spot with a beautiful old birds nest and soaked it all in...
A lot of what we did involved destroying things, littering, bullying people... Most places in my Village I have some memory of something I have had to forgive myself for doing! There was a thrill, an adrenaline rush in the fear, would we get caught?... Some of it was quite harmless really... I no longer blame myself or anybody else for what happened, I always lived right on the edge, outside the actual village boundary, and no wonder I still feel anxious going into it
I now like to call the back tracks the Faerie walk, as its a really small sliver of Land that actually has some diversity and Wildness to it, in an area that is really quite barren, I got an amazing faerie card once there, it must be protected by Faeries. I walked there last night to collect herbs to make medicine, and I felt great joy at the way my relationship to this place is changing. I've found recently people just start talking to me a lot more often, I'm quite open now compared to how I used to be, and this woman from Thailand who knows all the native plants in her homeland, but none here, was fascinated by what I was doing. I often fear straight men or think I have nothing to connect with them about, but I got into quite a deep conversation with her husband too. It got me thinking how in my Radical Faerie tribe there is a lot of talk about "magical faeries" and "non-magical faeries" and people being "muggle's" in the "outside world" which I realise I have embraced through fear and although it seems quite benign and harmless, it is labelling and division. having had a wonderful loving connection at a gathering recently with someone who I think is actually "straight" really seems to have helped shift and heal something in me... I never actually came out to my straight friends, I didn't give them a chance to reject or accept me....
Reflecting on this, walking down the Faerie track, collecting herbs, enjoying the abundance of spring and the excitement of finding medicine, I thought Wow, I really couldn't have imagined I would end up training as a Herbalist/naturopath, making magic wands and charms, having a spiritual/shamanic/pagan path.... and then it hit me.... I've always loved making food, I wanted to be a nutritionist years ago... I always loved to be outside in nature and would try to eat different leaves ands things... I've always been really creative and wanted nothing more than to be an artist... my friend and I even used to do Seances when I was 8 or 9...
I was like "you know, you're alright actually James, you may of gone off the rails a bit, but it wasn't your fault, or anyone else's, and you have still been building on the core things you love do your entire life"
I always see this division between the last 4-5 years of my life and before.. like I was this bad person who didn't do anything good, the only real division here is I ended a substance abuse problem, and this story is really just part of the lingering shame and pain that fuelled it
I felt so good.. I reached the end of the Faerie track and I thought yes carry on, go to the river, go to Grandmother Willow. The really special thing about most of the way by the river leading to Grandmother Willow, and the small swampy riverside woodland patch she is in, is that I never came to this area to play as a Child, I only came here to play as an adult, healing my inner child. It is the most wildest part of this village, and I forget this but it's actually the most peaceful, wonderful, magical spot in nature I know, and its within walking distance, the fact that I never went there before astounds me, but I get tingly when I just know it was being saved for me to heal there, and I only ever finally went there last year when I intuitively knew there had to be somewhere in this village, even a tiny spot, which was truly wild and sacred
The Grandmother Willow (I didn't realise it was grandmother willow until a wonderful friend played me a clip of grandmother willow in Pocahontas) has grown in such a way, with lots of Ivy covering it that it has created an amazing enclosed cave space, which I enhanced by moving around some piles of Ivy that had been cut down to make it even more enclosed, and there is an old dead part of the tree to sit and relax on. It is mostly dried out and I love to burn a piece as incense when I go there, it smells so beautiful. I was really connected with all the plants from collecting herbs, and I had made myself something to smoke with the intention of connecting with the herbs even more.
I laid down by the Trunk of Grandmother willow and meditated a bit, I always stretch when I use these medicines too, releasing so much around my hip area, it felt so good, there was so much tension to release in my buttocks, and I got up and did some squats, and standing squats whilst I held onto a huge Ivy root. I thought oh this is cheating i'm not putting all the weight through my legs.. then I thought no, I have to strengthen my arms too, this is great... I'm slowly inventing my own way of stretching/exercising, and we used to climb things to do this... then it hit me, It was time to climb up into Grandmother Willow! how exciting! I found a log to help me get up, and as I felt the bark, I remembered it is a pain killer, and I can experience a lot of pain... I felt like she was saying, here, take some of my bark, its extra special, you can get more as you climb... so I did...
The Willow is ruled by the Moon, and water... this was also by a river but thankfully the Moon was in Fiery Leo, like me I'm a Cancerian water sign, ruled by the Moon, but the Moon itself was in Leo when I was born.. I was confused when I got up into the tree because I couldn't see any Willow leaves... I thought hang on, is this even a Willow tree... then I realised I the ivy growth was so prolific that I was under an enclosed canopy of it that I could push through... well wow, an experience I have never had before sent shivers down my spine, I was like a forest creature up in the forest canopy.. I was a forest creature up in a forest canopy, albeit a small one... with the blue dusky sky and the radiant, growing, glowing crescent moon shining down upon me, stunned by the beauty and feeling so blessed and at peace, I found a nice comfortable spot with a beautiful old birds nest and soaked it all in...
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