Queer Faerie Love and overcoming blocks to intimacy

I danced my independent Dance

through those halls of stone

I cried, when once again, they and

my tribe

welcomed me home

This is my family now

I feel I am one of you

which doesn't mean I dont forget

or sometimes still feel blue

We share our pain

Hard earned lessons

joys of our progress

in circles

holding one another gently

deeper and deeper

into our souls

I am so open now

and yet still so closed

I'm doing by best to let go of programming

designed to keep me safe

I have no reason to fear people will think i'm gay and hurt me

In Faerie Space

I share so much love and affection with friends

I judge myself a bit still for my attraction

and desire for potential lovers

I fear rejection

 take myself into the shadow pit

for unhelpful programming destruction

determined to grow, be happy, follow my joy

be whole

he sniffs my neck

it is so erotic

I want to kiss him  

we gaze into each others eyes

But for so much of my life that wasn't safe to do

 was negotiated through a screen

 disconnect and shame

I feel pain

and excitement

 and love

I found the courage to approach you on the dancefloor

feeling sure enough you liked me

after the sniffing and eye gazing

conversations and touch

We kissed and danced and caressed eachother

 it was beautiful, sexual, powerful, divine

I wanted more

It didn't happen but every intimate moment was a gift

I said things about it in a heart circle

not realising you were there

about how I used to hate my body

and you said soimething beautiful after

with your wonderful way with words I cannot quite remember

about how you couldn't tell I ever carried all that weight with me

Another beautful connection

of deep intimacy, time spent just holding eachother

feels non existant in this place

I feel so triggered and unloved

and forced to face

That it goes far deeper than you

or the boy that you remind me of

that I thought never loved me too

It goes back to all the hurts

I thought I deserved

It wasn't my fault

I became Jesus, gentle and vulnerable

I saw you and you rushed off again

triggered  again

I became suicidal, death and resurrection

I decided to ignore you, it didnt work

I just hurt myself even more

trying to protect myself

you were finally available

But I was closed, wouldnt say how I was

 and you were out the door

back in the shadow pit

I sobbed and cried and wretched on that cold stone floor

In a way I never have before

overwhelmed by the grief and pain

I had at bay

for so long

After I cried about the lack of love you represented

I was resassurred it wasn't just me

I managed to get over the fact I wasn't getting the time with you I wanted

I saw you suffering

and did my best to love you anyway

Someone else I surprised myself by bravely introducing myself to straight away

We had a deep connected conversation another day

I still felt overly cautious to hug him

why is it this way

when we get closer?

He told me my bum looked good in my lace underwear

I didnt reject the compliment as I got ready for the no talent show

I only accepted it in a very matter of fact that is good way

but I was scared that I was about to wear them on stage

We had lots of inner child magical silly fun times

with another friend too

He called me cutie

and I wanted to ask if we could cuddle

Later on I saw him laying, space next to him

as part of the puddle on the floor

I felt the overly cautious part of me carry me through the door

I still just want someone to hold me once more

I remembered when I saw a book I was reading in hospital last year

my former boyfriend was there 

before, during and after, caring for me, holding me, helping me feel

hearing my pain, comforting me

loving me

How could I have ended this?

Its only been two months apart

 after a fairly solid two years together deeply sharing our hearts

I didn't realise how much I was hurting that this had changed

but Im glad that I'm free to connect with new people in whatever way

and have opportunities to release more layers of fear and shame

I was talking to someone

about all the internalised homophobia we have to face and let go of

they approached me after a circle sharing about intimacy

We then shared deep intimate conversation one to one

it was beautiful 

innocently and gently holding hands

powerful

I had talked to him about my past feelings for my body

and how it and I have transformed

and he massaged my shoulders whilst I had my top off

and told me my body is beautiful

and I believed him too