The Spice is vital; healing the inner child, coming out, community, power, liberation
11 years ago I went to the 'return of the spice girls' concert, they announced it together in the summer of 2007, honestly the worst of my life.. (the same year Britney shaved her head) my mum bought me, my sister and a friend tickets, I think I was pretty mortified at the thought of anyone knowing I was going because it would make it seem like I was gay.. which is incredibly sad as I loved them all so much as a child, especially Geri, I was always listening to there songs, singing them, inspired to dress up and perform them sometimes too. At the time of the announcement I was excited by it, but I as also about 2 years into an awful struggle with my sexuality and it was a few months after I was sort of outed.... Rumours had got out I had sucked off a much older man, after he had betrayed my trust and somehow told one of my friends. I was abusing drugs and left in a near constant state of fear and paranoia of who else would find out, and having sex with men anyway, expecting them to tell on me as well. it would be another 2 years before I would eventually come out, a big part of me expecting to be disowned by all of my family and friends...
I didn't really enjoy the concert, even though I had loved them so much as a child.. I was still angry with Geri for leaving, angry with her for not dying her hair like ginger spice again, red with the blonde streaks, and I felt really quite uncomfortable about being here, thinking it made it obvious I was gay and not wanting to accept that, especially because it would confirm the rumours. I felt really uncomfortable pretty much everywhere back then though.. I wanted the songs to be just like the original recordings and they weren't, I felt really awkward about them being 'sexy' and even though I now realize they were singing live, I cynically thought they weren't... I dared not openly enjoy it very much at all.. Mel C's solo seemed like the most cool and least gay part so I did enjoy that, although funnily enough I did enjoy Posh spices catwalk, and watching it again I see it as the 'gayest' part! set to a mash up of like a virgin and a RuPaul song! ultimately it probably did bring a tiny chink of light to a very dark time, and it made me listen to 2 become 1 again before the tour, but none of there other songs
I came out two years later, I had fallen in love with someone, and thought I would at least have him.. he had strong narcissistic tendencies and was happy to let me think that too. I told my mum I was gay, in love, had been lying about where i'd been going for the past 6 months and moved out suddenly when he convinced me not to go home. I didn't get disowned by my parents or friends, although there was a lot I had already basically done that to, my maternal grandparents and family on my mum's side were fine too, but I got told my Dad's parents could never know, as our whole family would get disowned, and this meant losing the biggest part of my family's income too... for context; they had sacked my mum when my parents got engaged, didn't go to there wedding disowned there daughter and seemingly only made up with my Dad after my Granny broke her neck when I was 6 months old.
It affected me a lot and I kept away from them, and I didn't see them for about 6 years, partly because my dad kept lying to them about where I was and what I was doing with my life, I suggested at least consulting me to create a more believable story, as I was also getting asked to see them too, but he never did, I was also not that close to them, we saw them very sporadically, it was hard to like them as a child with so much bitterness from my parents too, but I did anyway. I agreed to go see them just over 3 years ago, just after finding the faeries, and a year in buddhist community, they wanted to show me some important things before they died, it was lovely to see them in a way, and the important family artifacts.. I got ranted at about being in a cult, (the buddhists, I never mentioned faeries) and I had painted my nails black, defiantly leaving it on the night before, and he half shouted 'people will think your a queer!' when he saw them... I was too afraid to say 'yes I am!' and just smiled... I dodged quite a lot of questions about girlfriends and stuff, I couldn’t have gone if I hadn’t just finally found loving Faerie community. When I went couple I few weeks before, my Granny said very little, but quietly told me as I left, to 'follow my heart'
I always think that the spice energy only really fully rose in me again last april, with the birth of shamanic spice, after a dream of there new reunion, and an interpretation where I realised they were like faeries... but I did a dance routine and silly yoga poses to Madonna's 'hung up' in a pink blouse, pink hot pants, purple belt and honey blonde wig, just like what she wore.. I never thought I would do it in front of anybody, and it was only a year into being part of the faerie community, only a year after finding others that did this, and wearing "girls" clothes for the first time since I was 12...a friend said they saw the Madonna performance as the first time I unleashed what I came to call 'spice' and it's so true, it got kind of repressed again but its freer than ever now.
I didn't have the money to go to the spice girls new reunion, so I told myself I didn't want to go, even though I had started listening to there music again pretty much everyday, and doing several spice inspired performances, and that it wouldn't be any good anyway, they were too old, it wouldn't be any good without victoria, even though I had derived so much joy and meaning and healing from reconnecting with them, I was scared I wouldn't like it again. I thought they came before so many big traumas in my life, thats not true, but the inner child that more freely loved them and dressed up and performed whether people liked it or not (friends did, most of the adults were confused at best, insulting at worst) has given so much to this adult thats been free to love them again, and love the 'spice' inside of me too... I loved loads of other pop stars and songs after, never as much as them thouhh, especially as it became more and more of a shameful secret and although I would always be singing from 12 to 26 I didn't really sing at all. Spice is fun, It's what I call my Wild, feminine, queer faerie power, it helps me share my gifts.... A faerie I met last year who I call my guardian spice angel kept encouraging me to go to the concert, like he encouraged me to still perform at folleterre, when I couldn't wear my heels and was too upset about not looking exactly the way I wanted to, to go ahead with what was a very beautiful and healing performance. He was hoping to be able to go with me, and I kept realising I really wanted to go, and then deciding it wasn't possible
In March I brought the spice to my other Grandparents 60th wedding anniversary, after being asked to sing, I didn't wear the kind of gender fuck outfit I would normally perform in, but I did do my hair and make up, and wore a fabulous frilled shirt and velvet jacket, quite prince inspired, and something the audience would get, it was just the right amount of spice to feel confident there, I had considered a wedding dress, but that wouldn't have worked there. ten years earlier it was very much like the spice girls concert, I didn't want to be there, I barely spoke to anyone, I was rigid and uncomfortable in my body.. this time it helped me realise just what a good place I was in, it was beautiful to be asked to do this and told I could wear whatever I wanted, people loved what I did, healing and finding my queer family, allowed me to be myself with my extended blood family on my mothers side, in a way I never dreamed possible, and the ones I had always liked the most were overjoyed by what I had done, and how happy I was, and I realised so many people had, or could have accepted me, I only had to give them the chance, I couldn't do that until I had accepted myself more fully, and it was such a beautiful celebration with so many people there. I have to add that I was living in london, surrounded by Faerie community, so many wonderful friends, and had broken out of a sometimes vicious cycle of intense gathering experiences, to isolation far away from anyone, to a more balanced way of my friends being around me and being able to support eachother
In stark contrast to the celebration my mum's parents had, my other Grandparents, although also celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary, were apart, my Granny no longer getting out of bed in a care home. dementia meaning she thought she was still at home, doing things, thinking she was still with my Grandad, while he was left at home on his own without her... he died soon after and my Dad is convinced it was from a broken heart. He was in denial about her not coming back, and having been unable to look after her, her refusing any carers to come to her home... I was upset mainly for my dad, it was a shock, and realising my granny probably wouldn't remember he had died even when she was told, she doesn't, she was being told over again, sometimes she accepts, sometimes she says he was just there, in spirit he probably is with her, and now the funeral has happened she can just be left to her own experience
I went to the new spice girls concert with a new boyfriend, on the 21st anniversary of Geri leaving, my mum offered in the end to pay, and I had met someone special to go with, my Guardian spice angel never stopped encouraging me to go,and just like my guardian spice angel, he had also loved Geri, and played her at school, and been ousted from the band when she left! We were in standing dancing and singing throughout the whole thing. The stage had a big catwalk and we were right there when they emerged up out of the ground in there amzaing outfits, looking absolutely incredible, powerful and thrilled to be there, they sounded sensational. I read Geri's autobiography last year and finally found out why she left, it was hard for all of them, they never stopped, flying from one place to another, all her dreams were coming true with no chance to enjoy it, no time to herself, she had been so independent but so anxious doing something on her own for the first time since becoming famous, she had bulimia too, and said ginger spice was an exaggerated version of her teenage self, that she grew out of, and just had to leave one day, so it was really amazing getting to see her enjoying being ginger spice again, and the others, they all had these amazing dancers too, each taking on a different spice aspect. It was so good to go again and be able to freely enjoy it, so healing, it felt like a really sacred experience and a photo of me there, I just look like a child again
I didn't really enjoy the concert, even though I had loved them so much as a child.. I was still angry with Geri for leaving, angry with her for not dying her hair like ginger spice again, red with the blonde streaks, and I felt really quite uncomfortable about being here, thinking it made it obvious I was gay and not wanting to accept that, especially because it would confirm the rumours. I felt really uncomfortable pretty much everywhere back then though.. I wanted the songs to be just like the original recordings and they weren't, I felt really awkward about them being 'sexy' and even though I now realize they were singing live, I cynically thought they weren't... I dared not openly enjoy it very much at all.. Mel C's solo seemed like the most cool and least gay part so I did enjoy that, although funnily enough I did enjoy Posh spices catwalk, and watching it again I see it as the 'gayest' part! set to a mash up of like a virgin and a RuPaul song! ultimately it probably did bring a tiny chink of light to a very dark time, and it made me listen to 2 become 1 again before the tour, but none of there other songs
I came out two years later, I had fallen in love with someone, and thought I would at least have him.. he had strong narcissistic tendencies and was happy to let me think that too. I told my mum I was gay, in love, had been lying about where i'd been going for the past 6 months and moved out suddenly when he convinced me not to go home. I didn't get disowned by my parents or friends, although there was a lot I had already basically done that to, my maternal grandparents and family on my mum's side were fine too, but I got told my Dad's parents could never know, as our whole family would get disowned, and this meant losing the biggest part of my family's income too... for context; they had sacked my mum when my parents got engaged, didn't go to there wedding disowned there daughter and seemingly only made up with my Dad after my Granny broke her neck when I was 6 months old.
It affected me a lot and I kept away from them, and I didn't see them for about 6 years, partly because my dad kept lying to them about where I was and what I was doing with my life, I suggested at least consulting me to create a more believable story, as I was also getting asked to see them too, but he never did, I was also not that close to them, we saw them very sporadically, it was hard to like them as a child with so much bitterness from my parents too, but I did anyway. I agreed to go see them just over 3 years ago, just after finding the faeries, and a year in buddhist community, they wanted to show me some important things before they died, it was lovely to see them in a way, and the important family artifacts.. I got ranted at about being in a cult, (the buddhists, I never mentioned faeries) and I had painted my nails black, defiantly leaving it on the night before, and he half shouted 'people will think your a queer!' when he saw them... I was too afraid to say 'yes I am!' and just smiled... I dodged quite a lot of questions about girlfriends and stuff, I couldn’t have gone if I hadn’t just finally found loving Faerie community. When I went couple I few weeks before, my Granny said very little, but quietly told me as I left, to 'follow my heart'
I always think that the spice energy only really fully rose in me again last april, with the birth of shamanic spice, after a dream of there new reunion, and an interpretation where I realised they were like faeries... but I did a dance routine and silly yoga poses to Madonna's 'hung up' in a pink blouse, pink hot pants, purple belt and honey blonde wig, just like what she wore.. I never thought I would do it in front of anybody, and it was only a year into being part of the faerie community, only a year after finding others that did this, and wearing "girls" clothes for the first time since I was 12...a friend said they saw the Madonna performance as the first time I unleashed what I came to call 'spice' and it's so true, it got kind of repressed again but its freer than ever now.
I didn't have the money to go to the spice girls new reunion, so I told myself I didn't want to go, even though I had started listening to there music again pretty much everyday, and doing several spice inspired performances, and that it wouldn't be any good anyway, they were too old, it wouldn't be any good without victoria, even though I had derived so much joy and meaning and healing from reconnecting with them, I was scared I wouldn't like it again. I thought they came before so many big traumas in my life, thats not true, but the inner child that more freely loved them and dressed up and performed whether people liked it or not (friends did, most of the adults were confused at best, insulting at worst) has given so much to this adult thats been free to love them again, and love the 'spice' inside of me too... I loved loads of other pop stars and songs after, never as much as them thouhh, especially as it became more and more of a shameful secret and although I would always be singing from 12 to 26 I didn't really sing at all. Spice is fun, It's what I call my Wild, feminine, queer faerie power, it helps me share my gifts.... A faerie I met last year who I call my guardian spice angel kept encouraging me to go to the concert, like he encouraged me to still perform at folleterre, when I couldn't wear my heels and was too upset about not looking exactly the way I wanted to, to go ahead with what was a very beautiful and healing performance. He was hoping to be able to go with me, and I kept realising I really wanted to go, and then deciding it wasn't possible
In March I brought the spice to my other Grandparents 60th wedding anniversary, after being asked to sing, I didn't wear the kind of gender fuck outfit I would normally perform in, but I did do my hair and make up, and wore a fabulous frilled shirt and velvet jacket, quite prince inspired, and something the audience would get, it was just the right amount of spice to feel confident there, I had considered a wedding dress, but that wouldn't have worked there. ten years earlier it was very much like the spice girls concert, I didn't want to be there, I barely spoke to anyone, I was rigid and uncomfortable in my body.. this time it helped me realise just what a good place I was in, it was beautiful to be asked to do this and told I could wear whatever I wanted, people loved what I did, healing and finding my queer family, allowed me to be myself with my extended blood family on my mothers side, in a way I never dreamed possible, and the ones I had always liked the most were overjoyed by what I had done, and how happy I was, and I realised so many people had, or could have accepted me, I only had to give them the chance, I couldn't do that until I had accepted myself more fully, and it was such a beautiful celebration with so many people there. I have to add that I was living in london, surrounded by Faerie community, so many wonderful friends, and had broken out of a sometimes vicious cycle of intense gathering experiences, to isolation far away from anyone, to a more balanced way of my friends being around me and being able to support eachother
In stark contrast to the celebration my mum's parents had, my other Grandparents, although also celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary, were apart, my Granny no longer getting out of bed in a care home. dementia meaning she thought she was still at home, doing things, thinking she was still with my Grandad, while he was left at home on his own without her... he died soon after and my Dad is convinced it was from a broken heart. He was in denial about her not coming back, and having been unable to look after her, her refusing any carers to come to her home... I was upset mainly for my dad, it was a shock, and realising my granny probably wouldn't remember he had died even when she was told, she doesn't, she was being told over again, sometimes she accepts, sometimes she says he was just there, in spirit he probably is with her, and now the funeral has happened she can just be left to her own experience
I went to the new spice girls concert with a new boyfriend, on the 21st anniversary of Geri leaving, my mum offered in the end to pay, and I had met someone special to go with, my Guardian spice angel never stopped encouraging me to go,and just like my guardian spice angel, he had also loved Geri, and played her at school, and been ousted from the band when she left! We were in standing dancing and singing throughout the whole thing. The stage had a big catwalk and we were right there when they emerged up out of the ground in there amzaing outfits, looking absolutely incredible, powerful and thrilled to be there, they sounded sensational. I read Geri's autobiography last year and finally found out why she left, it was hard for all of them, they never stopped, flying from one place to another, all her dreams were coming true with no chance to enjoy it, no time to herself, she had been so independent but so anxious doing something on her own for the first time since becoming famous, she had bulimia too, and said ginger spice was an exaggerated version of her teenage self, that she grew out of, and just had to leave one day, so it was really amazing getting to see her enjoying being ginger spice again, and the others, they all had these amazing dancers too, each taking on a different spice aspect. It was so good to go again and be able to freely enjoy it, so healing, it felt like a really sacred experience and a photo of me there, I just look like a child again
It's been a big weight lifted off my shoulders, the real threat of being disowned has finally ended. the emotional fear of rejection gets easier, I've done some amazing integration work over the past 5 years or so and especially recently with the completion process, retreiving, healing fragmented, traumatised parts of myself. I think that was why at Queer Spirit this year I emerged as the most wildest, spiciest, fiercist version of Shamanic Spice, everything went right, I worked on my spice girs megamix for hours, clapping and giggling with joy and excitement as I added thunder and lightning and found quotes from the witches of macbeth to open with, planning to go from old hag to Shamanic Spice girl with big hair, high heels and sparkling shamanic jockstrap, referencing she-ra and having the most amazing winged skull staff.. I'd finally been working again after more than four years and had money to invest as well. It felt so good I could tell I was doing even better than I had thought I might rehearsing, everyone was up going fucking wild too, I keep getting told I brought the whole fucking tent down, and I made it meaningful to with some lyrical changes, and were were all smiling and dancing in unity! after many enjoyable perfomances before this one, I finally I felt like the pop superstar I had always been destined to be! not famous though, but connected with a loving and appreciative community of people to sing and dance for and entertain in a meaningful way, a demonstration of the wild feminine, and queer power, ending with how we have been hanged, burned, gassed, but we come back and we are rising
I was also the Goddess of Queer liberty, resplendent in jewels, diamantes and pearls, a sacred white jock strap, the "light" version of the "dark" shamanic spice, singing Madonna's melodies with most of the lyrics changed, from co-dependent love songs, to songs about finding, creating, and healing in Queer tribe. Like a virgin was changed when I was recognising how god damn lost and hurt I had felt until I found the faeries, and grieving and celebrating my first couple of years and the first time I chose not to go to Featherstone Castle, where I first found my tribe, and found other people who had been hurt by growing up Queer in this heteronormative world, and that admitting that didn't make being queer wrong, we aren't hurt or struggling because we are queer, but because of the way we have been treated for who we are, for who we are is magical and innocent and wonderful, I believe this is at the core of every being "queer" or "straight", its just buried very deep in a lot of people, and queer is a different kind of magic too, not better, just different, maybe more of it. In some its very, very deep indeed, covered in shattered layers, I know because mine was pretty buried too, I sang a song I wrote about all the healing I've experienced, and I'm determined I will share more original songs like that.
Another song was about a new sanctuary in Portugal, La Isla bonita became alto das fadas, the land has had some pull on me ever since I first saw a picture of it, I'm so drawn and wasn't able to go, instead, Atlantis Spice sang of longing to be co-creating sanctuary from the underwater temple created out of old sheets, towels and the drag bag, in the chateu living room in stockwell.. that wasn't the easiest place to be but I gained so much from it, and I realised I could share a big dose of mermazing, inspiring, idealistic, harmonising, healing, heart based joyful and loving alto das fadas magic without actually being able to be there. I left the chateu in may and returned to my hometown, but having friends and faerie community in my day to day life has continued there, I went to london and finally found faerie community in my own home county, and today I finally get to experience the magical hilltop breeze, a faerie wild and free, where I have longed and longed to be..... (and sobbed my fucking heart out thinking I would never go) Alto das fadas! and I'm not going feeling desperate for healing like I might have done back in january, I'm going feeling good about myself having achieved a lot that I needed to and having been able to pay for myself to get here for once. the spice girls and my own life have shown me its never too late to do what I want to do and be who I want to be if its in aligment with my soul and heart and backed by a wonderful web of friendships, community, family
To be continued...
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