Realising my own gifts and potential in Queer Community

I just saw the little Unicorn notepad that I had on me to write in whilst I was in Folleterre in the summer, I can't really place my time there, it feels like another world. 

There was a heart circle in the garden one sunny afternoon on spirituality, I got asked more about my drug abuse afterwards by someone who was in it, and I wrote this afterwards...

I first drank half a bottle

or more 

of Vodka at 13

and couldn't remember anything the next day

scared I had given myself away 

I started drinking at school after that

It allowed me some freedom from the prison

of my self conscious fear ridden existence 

to actually talk to people

I made friends at school

for the first time in years

We had  our own gatherings

I loved them all, but thought they would hate me

If they knew I was wanking over fantasies of them 

ESCAPE THE PAIN 

ESCAPE THE SHAME 

This escalated over the years 

I first took coke because I wanted to be thin 

a year of that and I announced "No more gatherings" 

I spent the next few months wanking on webcam 

Fucked a man older than my dad 

accidentally burnt down my home 

the place we had the gatherings

I thought I was being punished

I thought I had HIV 

and I got outed

I wanted to die 

I stopped answering the phone 

to that group of people

Took 11 pills in 7 hours at a rave

with new and old friends

hoping they hadn't heard the rumours 

such a relief to feel good 

trying to offload everything but what was really troubling me 

I wanted to die 

7 days awake on speed

trying to escape it all

eventually the secret hookups I couldn't stop

led to love 

I came out to my mum

and ran away to live with him

It was wonderful sometimes

but he would bully me into drinking more than I did anyway 

"Your so fucking boring" 

Lie and tell me he had got 1 gram of coke to share 

and we would end up doing 3 

bully me into drinking 

and then reveal he had a ton of ecstasy in the house

which I would take because I was drunk

even though I was happier and didn't need it so much anymore 

If he hadn't done all of that I don't know if I would have ever stopped it all

I had to fall

to rock bottom

I was fucking boring 

I couldn't really be myself 

I was scared of everything 

and thought I needed him

I had a huge consciousness shift

I wanted to find my tribe 

done with drugged up fantasies of singing and dancing and dressing up

and having no real connection  with other queer people 

I found you 

coming from where I was

its fucking surreal

I have really healed

It's so beautiful 

I am so fortunate and blessed

I read that the opposite of addiction is connection

It's wonderful to share affection 

without the intense objectification and disconnection 

of pre-arranged meetings online to fuck 

I was 26 the first time another boy kissed me

 without it being pre-planned in that way 

My ex used to say

"All gays are scum"

I came with a lot of internalised homophobia 

But I truly now know

It is a blessing to be here

It is a blessing to be Queer

I chose to read this at the very last minute one of my final nights at folleterre, at an acoustic cabaret on the nature connection retreat, I wanted to read it two weeks earlier at the big loud long no talent show of the summer gathering, it wasn't the right time. I was dressed in my new angelic spiritual barbie outfit, I was going to sing a mix of spiritual madonna songs and one I changed, which I did still sing afterwards. I felt raw and vulnerable as fuck afterwards, it brought back up a lot of the pain and shame, It was also really cold and I wasn't wearing much. It was awkward finding a spot in the audience, people were cuddling and the person I wanted to cuddle was cuddling someone else, someone sang a song my recent ex played (not the one from the story) after we broke up and I had a rare moment of wishing he was there and regret. I went and hid away in the friendship room by the fire, wondering if I had fucked up sharing all of this ( and also taking pictures of my amazing outfit)

Finally the show ended and everyone came down. SO MANY PEOPLE HUGGED ME, and thanked me, and told me that they resonated with my story and had similar experiences, I hadn't made a mistake, it was important to share, as I had thought, a story where I could only fantasize about dressing up, dancing and singing, and now I actually was dressed up, dancing and singing, a vision of pure white innocence! Divine! because I am and we are, and the darkness and scum and shadow is too. I was so emboldened by this experience and my love for my new outfit that I even took a condensed version, days late, to the Glory's stage in london, and shared it with Queers there, someone there was deeply grateful for the deep authentic sharing I had brought to that space.. I'll leave you with a quote from a book called resisting your soul by Nick Williams that inspired me share this 

“When I was young I had a vision of who I might become, but struggled to access and realise that person and wondered if I might be deluding myself. I didn’t know then about resistance, so my own unfulfilled potential drew me towards unhappiness, depression, negativity, loneliness, addictions, judgement and criticism of others, envy and other self-defeating and self-destructive behaviours. I thought that was just life

“I honestly believe that if everyone were able to realise their own gifts and potential, the pharmaceutical company companies would be in big trouble. The suppliers of alcohol would be in big trouble too (we can probably add much of the media, social media, illegal drugs here too) I think there would be fewer wars and more co-operation. Why? Because people would be happy and fulfilled and they wouldn’t need to blot out their pain”