11 Gatherings in ten months
I’ve just returned from my 11th gathering this year.
I have a lot to say and it’s not as clear as it usually is, I have a lot of questions and doubts (and gratitude and joy) about what has happened this year. I think I want to start with my need to explain/justify/understand how this happened.
I went to my first gathering at Samhain 2015, three years ago, I joked yesterday my faerie godmother was a book called Gay Spirituality, I was only looking for more info about a buddhist bodhisattva of compassion. I wrote a song for the know talent show last week about how I believe that being, or energy guided me to the faeries, after I had hit rock bottom and needed to find my tribe. I found a buddhist community 10 months earlier, and had already been intensively working on healing/recovering, volunteering and going on retreats after quitting my job, 5 year relationship and house that felt like a prison.
I went to 3 gatherings and Queer spirit festival over the course of the first year in faerie space, returning to featherstone the following Samhain was a wonderful milestone, I sang, I danced, dressed up, went deeper in heart circles… I got into a relationship just after my first gathering with another faerie though, and it was very difficult to find time for myself, and him, and connecting with others, I felt sometimes like he was just following me around, and it was easier to turn to him than to others, or help myself. in hindsight it was a lot better because people were familiar, but I didn’t really fully feel part of the tribe.
Almost 6 weeks in Adamama faerie sanctuary in Canaan that winter, which technically consisted of 3 different gatherings, and more moments of independence, I shared things in Heart Circles I had never been able to before, and found myself wearing amazing things from the drag room I never thought I would wear too. I was in a monogamous relationship and found it really difficult when someone kissed me one day… I talked in heart circles about how strained my relationship felt… concerns about co-dependence and fearing my behaviour was increasingly abusive sometimes.. a month or so back in Uk and then the first magic gathering, where I left feeling like I was magical, it was wonderful because it was only about 10 people too, and we had a group process where we were together all the time, the most genuinely intimate faerie experience to date . That brought it to 7 gatherings and later that year 2 queer spirit festivals in about a year and ¾… it's funny this is what the first period of “I want to go to everything” brought and then 10 months resulted in just as much!
I had decided by what would have been my 3rd Samhain at featherstone that I had to finally prioritise other things over faerie space, I started a course right away and had a reiki attunement, and it was a sign of growth that I didn’t need to go so much, but it was also because of relationship difficulties and personal and tribal conflict, I rarely went to all the way to london for drum circles but felt really strongly to be with my tribe for an evening after cancelling the gathering… I was left with a lot to think about when a friend who had been there in Canaan seemed surprised my relationship was still going, i’d forgotten how hard it was there.
that relationship had ended by January this year, I ate almost 1kg of cashew nuts and spent about £20 one morning on an interior design game app, I finally reached out to the tribe I felt so distant from on facebook
I saw a local faerie who responded to this, that I hadn’t seen for a long time, there was a huge outpouring of love and support, and within days found myself in a heart circle for the first time in almost 6 months, in london, I was very upset when I realised how long it had been. I had wanted to go but didn’t believe it was possible, after that I was at the imbolc gathering, my first gathering single since my very first gathering over two years before, my confidence in myself and the tribe much greater, it was great to have the time and space for myself and building on connections I had made, and I even got asked to, and sang on stage in public for the first time in my life, at a Queer Cabaret in the town. One person knew I was me by the end of the week, rather than part of a couple where they couldn't tell us apart, sums it up well.
I couldn’t bare to go home while he was still there… and ended up in london long enough to go to the Ewok Woman gathering, (created from the memories of a faeries inner child) where I rediscovered the magic and power of inner child sacred silliness in a ritual blessing of the new ewok sanctuary, and got wise counsel from the same friend I had seen at the drum circle, that led to me getting my home to myself and being able to go back, feeling like I had connections with people and was cared for again, my dad even listened to me and shared his feelings for what felt like the first time ever.
I had been mostly living on money given to me by my parents at the time for over a year and I got told I would have to get a job because they couldn’t keep doing it, It resulted in the usual thoughts of suicide, not really meaning it, but I have a difficult history with work and what someone once referred to as “financial abuse” i’m trained as a chef but that job was practically slavery with hours of up to 80 a week where I would get screwed over on actually getting paid for all of them… i’m vegan now too, I have pins in my hips, I wear barefoot shoes with individual toes, my legs still often hurt but it helps,, i’m very gentle and sensitive in quite a harsh world… I’ve only ever really thrived in Queer and spiritual spaces… I want to be “out there” more and independent but its hard…
I somehow managed to go another month without getting a job and end up at featherstone Ostara, I had been able to do a bit more work for my parents rather than getting a job somewhere, I sold two wands at auction and donated some proceeds from other sales I made too, which meant I was also able to contribute a bit to the gathering financially, which is something I hardly ever did and felt good about it. I sang again for the second time that year, and spent a lot of time during and after the gathering with someone I had considered a friend since my first gathering, but became really close then, and someone else I had known a while, plus new people, I had this deeper sense of self love and being loved and truly undoubtedly having friends, especially queer friends, which I hadn’t had, and had seeked to find for myself nearly 4 years earlier, there was even grief it had taken me till almost 30 to feel it, but it was great to really feel part of the tribe.
Another month later and I decided I could go to another gathering, I had created a new performing alter ego out of my rediscovered love of the spice girls, and an epic leotard I found on the floor of the drag room, on a scorpio moon called Shamanic Spice. I had been at home dancing, dressed up as shamanic spice and singing to a sacred spice girls megamix, my new spiritual practice, so called because it generated so much joy, it also satiated my desire to be flamboyant and in a queer space, sharing my queerness more on facebook and instagram, although doubting at times what I was doing. old shame lingering slightly about these things,which had stopped me from doing this at all. I got a performing slot at the second Queer Cabaret, with so much amazing love and support and amazing feedback for my performance, I spent a whole day at the gathering after performing the night before, as Shamanic Spice, and found myself quietly calling myself James the next morning…
I met a beautiful person at the queer cabaret who came to join us at the gathering.. I didn’t know if he was queer or not but he was certainly a faerie… he demonstrated an outstanding amount of self love, and just being around him was incredibly healing… we shared heart energy one morning and he said “we are so beautiful”. I did my usual he probably doesn't fancy me thing, but I was also presented with something I hadn’t experienced in faerie space before, the question whether he even liked men! I was able to feel that pain of not knowing I had felt in other places, in a safer space, and something in me from before I came out, before I found my tribe, was healed when I left and he said I love you, and I found out he was straight, that I had been able to be myself with him fully and he had loved me for it, and it had nothing to do with sexual attraction
After that gathering I continued working occasionally for my dad, and planned a weekend of being Shamanic Spice in London, for the 20th Anniversary of Geri Halliwell leaving the spice girls! I had wands and other things I was hoping to sell and make money to do this too… What I have found is that i’ll sit around not doing very much in between gatherings, but it allows me to integrate/process everything that's happened at them. I got to the drum circle quite late, it was quite something being Shamanic Spice on the streets of london though, next was transister and once I just forgot about everyone else, that was really fun, I couldn’t believe I had made it there, in a club dancing sober being queer as fuck, I thought i’d kill myself before I ever even came out years before, and felt so glad I didn’t, but felt shame when I shared that afterwards.
While I was in London, I asked for Guidance about the Sagittarius Full Moon. Issues about restrictions I place on myself, especially about my body came up in the tarot, the sun being what could help me.. I got recommended to go to folleterre, I had wanted to, but I didn't think it was possible, I got told that's exactly what the tarot was saying, I don't think things are possible.
I realised I could probably justify asking for a passport and tickets as a 30th birthday present from my mum and dad… it worked, it meant another few weeks where I couldn't really get a job or felt like it because I had this week away..it just felt wrong to do anything but go there.. Folleterre was immensely healing, it was the solstice, the sun tarot card… the day of the solstice I was at the sun rise, I sang later and my whole body tingled with some kind of epic release.. I performed at the no talent show, spontaneously creating some of what I was saying then and there about shame and liberation, having got the same devil tarot card I got that led me to folleterre in the first place.. I felt in sanctuary, safe. I crawled naked on the ground by the lake, feeling like I had come home to the earth I was born on finally, I still experienced pain, mainly in my legs, but I finally really believed I could heal it, and I made it my mission to return there for as long as I possibly could.
Applying for a residency was very challenging to me.. I got really triggered about money and notaflof seeming to not be notaflof after all, and had no idea how I was going to pay to go, having just played the its my birthday card to go for a week already… I had thought a few times about making a go fund me to help pay for my course, and even though I felt a bit ashamed, I was so sure I must go back to folleterre and deserved to, that I made one, for £200 and immediately got enough to book my flight out there in the first day, and felt so good, loved and grateful. I was in a sort of limbo for a little while, still not knowing if I could even go, I had 4-5 weeks before I could go back altogether. going away for a whole month or more also meant yet again I wouldn't get a job in this time.. I didn’t know If I could change my course commitments either, but an agreement to that came, and it also meant settling on a month long stay, but easier as it was one that I didn’t need permission for from folleterre…
The Amazing coming home faerie healing retreat happened while I was waiting to go back to folleterre, after going to pride as the Goddess of Shame, it was great being out in london in drag… and making fun of shame, a real sign of progress, especially being there with a loving tribe for the first time. When the retreat started and there was noise from farming, and volunteers around who weren’t faeries, I was upset and wishing I was in folleterre.. But I remembered we didn't choose the dates for the retreat, it was given to us by the ECC and everything about it astrologically was saying retreat retreat retreat! Sun and new moon in Cancer gave us loving gentle motherly energies, although the fire group I facilitated was… firey! and being new to facilitating was challenging especially the first day, but I felt so at home, and was singing I wouldn’t wanna be anywhere else but here… and my 30th birthday happened the day of an amazing ritual each elemental group put on, and as well as the Sun being in Cancer on my birthday, which of course it would be, The moon was also in Leo, my Fire moon that I was exploring in my group, which I was told is extremely rare and special… I’m getting tingles now just thinking about it… I ended that day back in my cancer sun sign, serving up dinner and birthday cake as the Great Mother.
I had a family birthday party my mum put on, where I laid out my wands for people to see, and felt more comfortable and at ease than I had ever felt with most of them, except childhood friends, it was more like it used to be. As I had been sharing my performances and outfits i've created at home or at gatherings and blogging, people knew lots about me being a faerie and it was lovely, some of them said I was just like I was as a child, how I had always been.. Seems like a good use of social media…
Finally it was time to return to folleterre. I packed a mountain of spicey drag even though there is so much there… I have especially my own accessories, corsets and hair pieces that take whatever I find in the magical folleterre drag room of requirement (it manifests whatever you need to dress up, like in harry potter) to the next level.. I had also made 5 wands from the Ancestors tree for Faeries to purchase and donate money to folleterre, plus a 6th one from that tree for a friend who was doing a two month residency there, and a Wand from the retreat land that I would give to a faerie there also… needless to say my magical suitcase was 8kg overweight and it led to me missing my flight… I was very cool and calm and collected about it all considering airports used to make me a bundle of nerves at the best of times.. I waited 3 hours to get my bag back and find out what my options were.. Miraculously I had enough birthday money to re-book the flight, stayed in the UK “sanctuary” aka the chateau for 3 days, adjusting to community before going into a gathering of 100 people, and returned the same time as my friend who a wand was for, after he had needed a few days break.
I dont really know what I can say about a whole month in folleterre… I really already wrote about actually being there here; https://www.albionfaeries.org.uk/almost-one-month-in-faerie-space/
I’ve kept up a level of physical activity that started there, going outside for that faded away as It got colder, but since going to my 11th gathering, I’ve added regular dancing and interval training that I did there to my routine. Sometime after realising I would have had an easier time at folleterre if I had meditated more, I started meditating everyday again. I also went to bed by 11 almost every night at folleterre and I went to bed even earlier at featherstone this time, with an eye mask and ear plugs after realising how much I had suffered there from lack of sleep.
I have hated my body so much at times and its improved and gone down hill again a lot this year, so many times at folleterre I felt so shit about it, it got in the way of connections with people and I literally felt so ashamed and afraid and projected all the worst things I felt about it onto people I was attracted to, imagining all the reasons they wouldn't like me/it. I realised I had to exercise to feel better, and forget about how it looked… I had this story of how it will never be the way I want it to be, and its stopped me at times from exercising for years… pain in my neck especially has also made it difficult, and fear i’ll hurt myself from the hip surgeries i've had too. I finally managed to go to the doctors and get x rayed and put my mind at rest that my hip joints are actually fine this month! Self care
It’s really taken yet another gathering with my Albion Tribe in the very place I first went to all scared, not knowing anybody 3 years earlier, to bring it all together. I thought it would, I get synchronicities and a gut feeling to go to these things, even though it can get tricky with the people who partly enable me to do it… I did the naked karaoke and sang Geri Halliwell's look at me, dressed up as Shamanic Spice, which has always partly been about showing off my body, but the outfit makes me look a bit thinner and in better shape than I actually am… it was courageous and it ended up being like a warrior's call, look at me, this who I really am. I didn't automatically start attacking my naked body in the mirror the following morning, I thought, actually, it's really alright. I did an epic amount of drag in folleterre and almost every outfit was about making myself look perfect, thin and sexy… not that it wasn’t immensely fun most of the time! Doing that meant I was dressed up in girls clothes maybe more than I really wanted to be… it all got a bit confusing, but It's also great to have a space to express that side of my self. at featherstone I found the first dress I had worn 3 years earlier, after loving dressing up from basically once I could move after being born , until the shame finally stopped me at around 12, when I hit puberty. I’d been free to do it so much, gone so far in the other direction, I thought, well why do I even do this? What the fuck is it all about? I answered that question many times, even crying in the mirror near the end of my month in folleterre, all made up with curled hair that stopped me going to the waterfall and a show girls outfit, singing Lana Del Rey’s song, will you still love me when I’m no longer young and beautiful?
Having nice male clothes to wear at featherstone really helped to, I got compliments when I wasn’t even dressed up, and realised I always had, I just rarely believed them before, I got an amazing note too, about being beautiful, whatever I wore, seen even when I think i’m not and needed by the community as much as I need all of you, boring down into my soul and placing there exactly what I needed to hear...
THERE HAS BEEN SO MUCH HEALING! My body is stronger than ever. My mind is stronger than ever, My spirit radiates joy and I feel so much love for myself and all the amazing beings around me in our wonderful tribe I could burst stometimes! My self worth is stronger than ever and amazing things are happening that will make community a full time reality. I did the right thing, of course maybe I have made a few mistakes, things I could have done better, going to all these wonderful gatherings definitely wasn’t one of them though! It led me here.
I have a lot to say and it’s not as clear as it usually is, I have a lot of questions and doubts (and gratitude and joy) about what has happened this year. I think I want to start with my need to explain/justify/understand how this happened.
I went to my first gathering at Samhain 2015, three years ago, I joked yesterday my faerie godmother was a book called Gay Spirituality, I was only looking for more info about a buddhist bodhisattva of compassion. I wrote a song for the know talent show last week about how I believe that being, or energy guided me to the faeries, after I had hit rock bottom and needed to find my tribe. I found a buddhist community 10 months earlier, and had already been intensively working on healing/recovering, volunteering and going on retreats after quitting my job, 5 year relationship and house that felt like a prison.
I went to 3 gatherings and Queer spirit festival over the course of the first year in faerie space, returning to featherstone the following Samhain was a wonderful milestone, I sang, I danced, dressed up, went deeper in heart circles… I got into a relationship just after my first gathering with another faerie though, and it was very difficult to find time for myself, and him, and connecting with others, I felt sometimes like he was just following me around, and it was easier to turn to him than to others, or help myself. in hindsight it was a lot better because people were familiar, but I didn’t really fully feel part of the tribe.
Almost 6 weeks in Adamama faerie sanctuary in Canaan that winter, which technically consisted of 3 different gatherings, and more moments of independence, I shared things in Heart Circles I had never been able to before, and found myself wearing amazing things from the drag room I never thought I would wear too. I was in a monogamous relationship and found it really difficult when someone kissed me one day… I talked in heart circles about how strained my relationship felt… concerns about co-dependence and fearing my behaviour was increasingly abusive sometimes.. a month or so back in Uk and then the first magic gathering, where I left feeling like I was magical, it was wonderful because it was only about 10 people too, and we had a group process where we were together all the time, the most genuinely intimate faerie experience to date . That brought it to 7 gatherings and later that year 2 queer spirit festivals in about a year and ¾… it's funny this is what the first period of “I want to go to everything” brought and then 10 months resulted in just as much!
I had decided by what would have been my 3rd Samhain at featherstone that I had to finally prioritise other things over faerie space, I started a course right away and had a reiki attunement, and it was a sign of growth that I didn’t need to go so much, but it was also because of relationship difficulties and personal and tribal conflict, I rarely went to all the way to london for drum circles but felt really strongly to be with my tribe for an evening after cancelling the gathering… I was left with a lot to think about when a friend who had been there in Canaan seemed surprised my relationship was still going, i’d forgotten how hard it was there.
that relationship had ended by January this year, I ate almost 1kg of cashew nuts and spent about £20 one morning on an interior design game app, I finally reached out to the tribe I felt so distant from on facebook
I saw a local faerie who responded to this, that I hadn’t seen for a long time, there was a huge outpouring of love and support, and within days found myself in a heart circle for the first time in almost 6 months, in london, I was very upset when I realised how long it had been. I had wanted to go but didn’t believe it was possible, after that I was at the imbolc gathering, my first gathering single since my very first gathering over two years before, my confidence in myself and the tribe much greater, it was great to have the time and space for myself and building on connections I had made, and I even got asked to, and sang on stage in public for the first time in my life, at a Queer Cabaret in the town. One person knew I was me by the end of the week, rather than part of a couple where they couldn't tell us apart, sums it up well.
I couldn’t bare to go home while he was still there… and ended up in london long enough to go to the Ewok Woman gathering, (created from the memories of a faeries inner child) where I rediscovered the magic and power of inner child sacred silliness in a ritual blessing of the new ewok sanctuary, and got wise counsel from the same friend I had seen at the drum circle, that led to me getting my home to myself and being able to go back, feeling like I had connections with people and was cared for again, my dad even listened to me and shared his feelings for what felt like the first time ever.
I had been mostly living on money given to me by my parents at the time for over a year and I got told I would have to get a job because they couldn’t keep doing it, It resulted in the usual thoughts of suicide, not really meaning it, but I have a difficult history with work and what someone once referred to as “financial abuse” i’m trained as a chef but that job was practically slavery with hours of up to 80 a week where I would get screwed over on actually getting paid for all of them… i’m vegan now too, I have pins in my hips, I wear barefoot shoes with individual toes, my legs still often hurt but it helps,, i’m very gentle and sensitive in quite a harsh world… I’ve only ever really thrived in Queer and spiritual spaces… I want to be “out there” more and independent but its hard…
I somehow managed to go another month without getting a job and end up at featherstone Ostara, I had been able to do a bit more work for my parents rather than getting a job somewhere, I sold two wands at auction and donated some proceeds from other sales I made too, which meant I was also able to contribute a bit to the gathering financially, which is something I hardly ever did and felt good about it. I sang again for the second time that year, and spent a lot of time during and after the gathering with someone I had considered a friend since my first gathering, but became really close then, and someone else I had known a while, plus new people, I had this deeper sense of self love and being loved and truly undoubtedly having friends, especially queer friends, which I hadn’t had, and had seeked to find for myself nearly 4 years earlier, there was even grief it had taken me till almost 30 to feel it, but it was great to really feel part of the tribe.
Another month later and I decided I could go to another gathering, I had created a new performing alter ego out of my rediscovered love of the spice girls, and an epic leotard I found on the floor of the drag room, on a scorpio moon called Shamanic Spice. I had been at home dancing, dressed up as shamanic spice and singing to a sacred spice girls megamix, my new spiritual practice, so called because it generated so much joy, it also satiated my desire to be flamboyant and in a queer space, sharing my queerness more on facebook and instagram, although doubting at times what I was doing. old shame lingering slightly about these things,which had stopped me from doing this at all. I got a performing slot at the second Queer Cabaret, with so much amazing love and support and amazing feedback for my performance, I spent a whole day at the gathering after performing the night before, as Shamanic Spice, and found myself quietly calling myself James the next morning…
I met a beautiful person at the queer cabaret who came to join us at the gathering.. I didn’t know if he was queer or not but he was certainly a faerie… he demonstrated an outstanding amount of self love, and just being around him was incredibly healing… we shared heart energy one morning and he said “we are so beautiful”. I did my usual he probably doesn't fancy me thing, but I was also presented with something I hadn’t experienced in faerie space before, the question whether he even liked men! I was able to feel that pain of not knowing I had felt in other places, in a safer space, and something in me from before I came out, before I found my tribe, was healed when I left and he said I love you, and I found out he was straight, that I had been able to be myself with him fully and he had loved me for it, and it had nothing to do with sexual attraction
After that gathering I continued working occasionally for my dad, and planned a weekend of being Shamanic Spice in London, for the 20th Anniversary of Geri Halliwell leaving the spice girls! I had wands and other things I was hoping to sell and make money to do this too… What I have found is that i’ll sit around not doing very much in between gatherings, but it allows me to integrate/process everything that's happened at them. I got to the drum circle quite late, it was quite something being Shamanic Spice on the streets of london though, next was transister and once I just forgot about everyone else, that was really fun, I couldn’t believe I had made it there, in a club dancing sober being queer as fuck, I thought i’d kill myself before I ever even came out years before, and felt so glad I didn’t, but felt shame when I shared that afterwards.
While I was in London, I asked for Guidance about the Sagittarius Full Moon. Issues about restrictions I place on myself, especially about my body came up in the tarot, the sun being what could help me.. I got recommended to go to folleterre, I had wanted to, but I didn't think it was possible, I got told that's exactly what the tarot was saying, I don't think things are possible.
I realised I could probably justify asking for a passport and tickets as a 30th birthday present from my mum and dad… it worked, it meant another few weeks where I couldn't really get a job or felt like it because I had this week away..it just felt wrong to do anything but go there.. Folleterre was immensely healing, it was the solstice, the sun tarot card… the day of the solstice I was at the sun rise, I sang later and my whole body tingled with some kind of epic release.. I performed at the no talent show, spontaneously creating some of what I was saying then and there about shame and liberation, having got the same devil tarot card I got that led me to folleterre in the first place.. I felt in sanctuary, safe. I crawled naked on the ground by the lake, feeling like I had come home to the earth I was born on finally, I still experienced pain, mainly in my legs, but I finally really believed I could heal it, and I made it my mission to return there for as long as I possibly could.
Applying for a residency was very challenging to me.. I got really triggered about money and notaflof seeming to not be notaflof after all, and had no idea how I was going to pay to go, having just played the its my birthday card to go for a week already… I had thought a few times about making a go fund me to help pay for my course, and even though I felt a bit ashamed, I was so sure I must go back to folleterre and deserved to, that I made one, for £200 and immediately got enough to book my flight out there in the first day, and felt so good, loved and grateful. I was in a sort of limbo for a little while, still not knowing if I could even go, I had 4-5 weeks before I could go back altogether. going away for a whole month or more also meant yet again I wouldn't get a job in this time.. I didn’t know If I could change my course commitments either, but an agreement to that came, and it also meant settling on a month long stay, but easier as it was one that I didn’t need permission for from folleterre…
The Amazing coming home faerie healing retreat happened while I was waiting to go back to folleterre, after going to pride as the Goddess of Shame, it was great being out in london in drag… and making fun of shame, a real sign of progress, especially being there with a loving tribe for the first time. When the retreat started and there was noise from farming, and volunteers around who weren’t faeries, I was upset and wishing I was in folleterre.. But I remembered we didn't choose the dates for the retreat, it was given to us by the ECC and everything about it astrologically was saying retreat retreat retreat! Sun and new moon in Cancer gave us loving gentle motherly energies, although the fire group I facilitated was… firey! and being new to facilitating was challenging especially the first day, but I felt so at home, and was singing I wouldn’t wanna be anywhere else but here… and my 30th birthday happened the day of an amazing ritual each elemental group put on, and as well as the Sun being in Cancer on my birthday, which of course it would be, The moon was also in Leo, my Fire moon that I was exploring in my group, which I was told is extremely rare and special… I’m getting tingles now just thinking about it… I ended that day back in my cancer sun sign, serving up dinner and birthday cake as the Great Mother.
I had a family birthday party my mum put on, where I laid out my wands for people to see, and felt more comfortable and at ease than I had ever felt with most of them, except childhood friends, it was more like it used to be. As I had been sharing my performances and outfits i've created at home or at gatherings and blogging, people knew lots about me being a faerie and it was lovely, some of them said I was just like I was as a child, how I had always been.. Seems like a good use of social media…
Finally it was time to return to folleterre. I packed a mountain of spicey drag even though there is so much there… I have especially my own accessories, corsets and hair pieces that take whatever I find in the magical folleterre drag room of requirement (it manifests whatever you need to dress up, like in harry potter) to the next level.. I had also made 5 wands from the Ancestors tree for Faeries to purchase and donate money to folleterre, plus a 6th one from that tree for a friend who was doing a two month residency there, and a Wand from the retreat land that I would give to a faerie there also… needless to say my magical suitcase was 8kg overweight and it led to me missing my flight… I was very cool and calm and collected about it all considering airports used to make me a bundle of nerves at the best of times.. I waited 3 hours to get my bag back and find out what my options were.. Miraculously I had enough birthday money to re-book the flight, stayed in the UK “sanctuary” aka the chateau for 3 days, adjusting to community before going into a gathering of 100 people, and returned the same time as my friend who a wand was for, after he had needed a few days break.
I dont really know what I can say about a whole month in folleterre… I really already wrote about actually being there here; https://www.albionfaeries.org.uk/almost-one-month-in-faerie-space/
I’ve kept up a level of physical activity that started there, going outside for that faded away as It got colder, but since going to my 11th gathering, I’ve added regular dancing and interval training that I did there to my routine. Sometime after realising I would have had an easier time at folleterre if I had meditated more, I started meditating everyday again. I also went to bed by 11 almost every night at folleterre and I went to bed even earlier at featherstone this time, with an eye mask and ear plugs after realising how much I had suffered there from lack of sleep.
I have hated my body so much at times and its improved and gone down hill again a lot this year, so many times at folleterre I felt so shit about it, it got in the way of connections with people and I literally felt so ashamed and afraid and projected all the worst things I felt about it onto people I was attracted to, imagining all the reasons they wouldn't like me/it. I realised I had to exercise to feel better, and forget about how it looked… I had this story of how it will never be the way I want it to be, and its stopped me at times from exercising for years… pain in my neck especially has also made it difficult, and fear i’ll hurt myself from the hip surgeries i've had too. I finally managed to go to the doctors and get x rayed and put my mind at rest that my hip joints are actually fine this month! Self care
It’s really taken yet another gathering with my Albion Tribe in the very place I first went to all scared, not knowing anybody 3 years earlier, to bring it all together. I thought it would, I get synchronicities and a gut feeling to go to these things, even though it can get tricky with the people who partly enable me to do it… I did the naked karaoke and sang Geri Halliwell's look at me, dressed up as Shamanic Spice, which has always partly been about showing off my body, but the outfit makes me look a bit thinner and in better shape than I actually am… it was courageous and it ended up being like a warrior's call, look at me, this who I really am. I didn't automatically start attacking my naked body in the mirror the following morning, I thought, actually, it's really alright. I did an epic amount of drag in folleterre and almost every outfit was about making myself look perfect, thin and sexy… not that it wasn’t immensely fun most of the time! Doing that meant I was dressed up in girls clothes maybe more than I really wanted to be… it all got a bit confusing, but It's also great to have a space to express that side of my self. at featherstone I found the first dress I had worn 3 years earlier, after loving dressing up from basically once I could move after being born , until the shame finally stopped me at around 12, when I hit puberty. I’d been free to do it so much, gone so far in the other direction, I thought, well why do I even do this? What the fuck is it all about? I answered that question many times, even crying in the mirror near the end of my month in folleterre, all made up with curled hair that stopped me going to the waterfall and a show girls outfit, singing Lana Del Rey’s song, will you still love me when I’m no longer young and beautiful?
Having nice male clothes to wear at featherstone really helped to, I got compliments when I wasn’t even dressed up, and realised I always had, I just rarely believed them before, I got an amazing note too, about being beautiful, whatever I wore, seen even when I think i’m not and needed by the community as much as I need all of you, boring down into my soul and placing there exactly what I needed to hear...
THERE HAS BEEN SO MUCH HEALING! My body is stronger than ever. My mind is stronger than ever, My spirit radiates joy and I feel so much love for myself and all the amazing beings around me in our wonderful tribe I could burst stometimes! My self worth is stronger than ever and amazing things are happening that will make community a full time reality. I did the right thing, of course maybe I have made a few mistakes, things I could have done better, going to all these wonderful gatherings definitely wasn’t one of them though! It led me here.
Comments
Post a Comment